I always pride myself on being so honest with everyone. I cannot believe I’m being honest with myself for the first time.

My best friend and I wanted to try out a relationship (here we go again, I know) and we did. We confused things by getting intimate and it led to a path of destruction and continual arguments. I fought with him because I wanted us to fail and I was scared to admit it. I was scared to admit that every time I told him I loved him, I meant it as friends. I said it more than ever this past year when in reality, I was saying it because I WANTED to feel that way. I wanted the closeness. I wanted the romance. I wanted to make him a better person and I fell in love with the man I wanted him to become. He isn’t a man yet, and I want to be taken care of. I want to be swept off my feet. 

He did things that I will never forget and that hurt me in more ways than he’ll ever know. He probably doesn’t even remember the horrible things he did, and put me through, but I know for a FACT I was not the only one at fault. I know that I held on for too long and those instances should have been the breaking point, but I was afraid of losing him all together, so I felt like I had to stay with him because I didn’t want to lose having him as a best friend.

This break up is going to be hard, but we can’t think of it negatively. He was meant to be in my life and I don’t regret a thing about our relationship. We have both felt like we have just been friends for a long time and the spark left after the first few kisses. I wish I was honest with myself, and I wish I had the strength to leave him. I wish I didn’t have to create problems to push him to the edge. I wish I was the bigger person.

I feel like every summer I lose something close to me, but I’m not losing him. We are just continuing our relationship as best friends, like it was always intended to be. Now we don’t have to argue about petty things. We can hang out and cruise stress free. Loving life and loving spending time together, without the blurred strings of attachment that we called a relationship.

my fried hairs/soulpatch

(Source: thewisepickle, via girlfromparis)

On Thursday or Friday I will be getting my first smart phone. An Iphone, at that! I cannot wait. Until then, I don’t know how much I’ll be on my computer because I’m in the Cape for a few days with my boos <3

There are two things though, that I must mention have kept me staying positive.

1. My bff Kelly got into a car accident on Saturday and I could not imagine losing her. The little things aren’t getting to me as much and I’m trying hard to control my temper.

2. My old friend Ashley’s little brother, Austin, ran away from his doctor’s appointment on Thursday in Hartford. This is the article: http://wfsb.m0bl.net/w/main/story/56547187/. You never know when someone could leave and be gone out of your life.

Cherish every moment